If only this was click bait. My poor Mary. At this point i want to just say, Da , i know you are my biggest supporter but feel free to give this one a miss. Honestly. Also to my neighbour Robbie, you can skip this one too and support from afar lol. Trust me i think it’s best for all involved. This is my funny waxing horror story. A really funny one really. Hilarious actually. I had teased about this life event before in my post on the dangers of fake make up and what the consequences can be. See i got MRSA from a fish pedicure. I’m that person that this kind of stuff happens too. My best friend has been at me since to write this story and she already knows the ending so that will tell you something. I will admit it does make for an interesting read. Here goes…
Funny Waxing Horror Story
It’s Summer and i’ve just touched down in Turkey. I’m noticing a pattern here – A lot of stories seem to start with that sentence. I had held off getting my pre-holiday de-fuzz session done at home because over the years i had found a local salon over there that i really liked. There is no awkward small talk or rushing around last minute before your flight. It’s a stunningly beautiful salon and they use a hot wax that i liked. It was always really quick and virtually painless. That and it only cost 20 lira for what she called ‘ complete ‘. At the time that cost less than €10 for a Hollywood wax. With a morning flight time, i can zip into town in the early evening and be bush free and ready to get my tanning on for my first full day in the sun.
I’d been waxed here many times before and always been really happy with the results and service. On this particular occassion i dunno maybe the moon was in Jupiter or something. I went as normal and left a happy customer to go home and get ready for the first night madness. This is where the problems started. As anyone who gets waxed knows, you can’t shower for a good few hours afterwards. Conveniently, i’d had a blow dry while i was at the salon so i just needed a freshen up really. That calls for one thing and one thing only – Baby wipes. Needs must. Come on we have all been there ladies.
So i naturally start at the top and i work my way down. * Do-deh-dooo-du-doooo * living my best life. I reach the area – The freshly landscaped Lady Garden. I take a new baby wipe and i, well, wipe me Mary. Grand you say, Except it wasn’t. As i pull my hand away, i notice that the baby wipe is no longer there. It’s not in my hand. Wait what? The fudge is it? Oh yes it’s hanging from my fairy! Yep that’s right it had become attached. But how i hear you ask? Well at that time i had litterally no idea. The confusion was real.
Anxiously i dropped the hand to assess the situation. Gave the baby wipe, that was hanging there like Casper the friendly ghost, a little tug. It was indeed stuck there. There. Shits got serious here lads and further investigation of the undercarriage was required. I reached around not sure of what i was looking for or what i was going to find. I mean this isn’t a very normal situation now is it?
I’m stood in the bathroom having a good feel of myself. If anyone saw me, i thought not knowing that any dignity i had was about to go right out the window. It is right then that i realised that my lower lips now had no parting. They are but one. I was waxed shut! TMI but whatever cause i know people love this kinda shiz. Right now i am trying to figure out how to word this without totally over stepping the line. Physically speaking, all of my downstairs bits are, ehhhh, enclosed. The ham is fully inside the roll. The hotdog is hiding between the buns. Failling this and in an effort to sound less crude i have googled the biological terms and they read as:
” The mons pubis is a rounded mound of fatty tissue that covers the pubic bone. During puberty, it becomes covered with hair…. The labia majora (literally, large lips) are relatively large, fleshy folds of tissue that enclose and protect the other external genital organs. “
I feel this may be where the problem lay for me. I have a mound that rivals Newgrange. Not an arse to my name but one hell of a mound. Relatively large they say – Enclosed to protect your organs. Safe to say mine are well protected now with what resembles Fort Knox between my legs. Grand aul chastity belt all the same. The penney drops that some wax had been left inside. With not a thigh gap in sight and what i imagine to be pent up heat, my lower lips has fused together. To quote Sharon Curley “Jesus Me Fanny”. I couldn’t see the damage cause you know belly problems. Further assistance was required with this. I’m sure my running commentry through the bathroom door was enough to draw attention i needed.
Wax On Wax Off ?
Let me just set the scene for you. There i was in the nip. Spread eagle… bauld eagle, with what i can only describe as the vagina of a Barbie. The short walk to the bedroom took place and i lay up on the bed for the girls to help a sister out. Years of playing opperation couldn’t prepare anyone for what was happening here. I was starkers because remember this all started with giving myself a wipe down. My assistants confirmed that there was infact wax in my Mary and it was definetly stuck. Trying to recall all the things i’d picked up about waxing over the years. I grabbed some baby oil and hoped that might disolve the situation. That didn’t work, i looked like an extra from the pardody version of the video for Satisfaction, and the door of the cockpit was still stuck. There was only one thing to do and that was to cut them free.
Two things – Obvs i couldn’t see or reach so i could hardly attempt this myself. Also did we have a scissors? The only one to hand was a tiny nail scissors from a set. Possibly a tash trimmer but given the circumstances technicalities weren’t taking priority. My friend had to step up and take one for the team. The position i ended up in lies somewhere between advanced yoga and Karma Sutra for begginers. Still naked. Why would i put on clothes? No eye contact could be made, Mostly because of tears. Of laughter. The scissors were taken and placed where no scissors has any business being. She began to cut away the bright pink wax. I was almost free. Not from shame but from myself. The ball of wax that was handed to me was about the size of a euro coin. Bitta hair left for effect. I wasn’t out of the woods yet but i had i’d say a lip and a half now so we were making progress.
My phone rings on the bed beside me. I answer it cause you know it’s not as if i’ve anything major going on right now or anything. It’s another of the girls ringing to see what time we are meeting and where. Are ya’s nearly ready she asks? Ready for the Winter Soltice says you. I proceed to explain that my… *clears throat* … Labia Majora are being seperated in a procedure Bear Grylls would be proud of. The howls. Who wouldn’t laugh. Sharing is caring, we are all girls. It was touch and go but snip by snip my fandora was restored to it’s original functioning. My genuine fake designer vagina, it was Turkey afterall. The baby oil worked better now at removing some of the remaining residue. The buns were open. I could pee. The relief. Phew! I would like to thank God and Jesus. My girls for their support and intimate care. A treat for them too i’m sure getting to delve into the promised land and look it straight in the eye. And to my fans who never doubted that Mary would bounce back. I can still hear the faint chants now ” Free The Mary 1 “. An experience and a half.
I still made it out that night albeit with a traumatised vag. Slightly more traumatised friends. Oh we laughed. We still do. Everytime i went to the loo i had a check was there still two. You will be pleased to know that no vajay-jays were harmed in this episode and normal service has resumed. I now always take a scissors away with me cause you never know. I don’t blame the beautican at all. She was actually girl crush material if i remember right. I mean it was right in there with serious coverage it would be easily missed. I haven’t been put off dehairing by my experience it’s one for the Grandkids i suppose. Tell me have you any funny or horrific waxing stories? Come on sharing is caring lol.
This post is dedicated to my crazy wonderful friend Ash. You push me to be both my best and worst lol. Your laughs keep me sane and i couldn’t ask for a weirder soulmate if i tried. Thanks Ash. Thanks ♡